I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
