I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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