his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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