Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
