I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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