Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Randomize
