i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
