there's paper in my vomit.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
