This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
