I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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