wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
