Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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