Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
