My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
