Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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