I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
its liver damage thursday
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