if you like me you must not know who I am
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
