i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
