I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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