my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
