guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
