I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
