I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
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theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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