i think i have two assholes
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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