I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
