Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
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You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
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Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.