I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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