I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
