I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
