I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
