He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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