i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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