They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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