Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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