it wasn't lemon gatorade
I met the friendliest cop last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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