i love accidental penises.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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