i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't deserve a penis
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
