listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
