i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
