sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
