you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
