I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
