Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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