Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
