I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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