If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
