Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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