I think my vagina is haunted
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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