Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You are the jesus of drinking
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
