he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
