somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
