Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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