He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
