After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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